In hate with breastfeeding

Go ahead natural mamas...shoot me

But right now, I am so much in hate with breastfeeding and feel so deceived...

I nursed my child for 6 months, exclusively, without a break, despite seeing his acid reflux caused by my milk and feeling guilty, despite seeing his gas cramps and feeling guilty, I changed my diet, no citrus fruits, no dairy products, no gluten, no nuts, no legumes, no this, no that, of course, no coffee, no chocolate and no wine...is it flowing too fast? do I have enough? but I continued...tired, sleepless, exhausted...it was difficult...physically and psychologically...but it was worth it I thought...

after all this is the best he can get, he will be protected and won't get sick...or if he gets sick..he will recover fast...so that we won't need antibiotics..All he needs is in the breastmilk... Right?

WRONG!

2 weeks since he started crèche...It's been 2 weeks of never ending chain of sicknesses... OK, I'm fine with fever, flu, some stomach virus...

This time, it's an ear infection...we found ourselves at the emergency...Now I see my child squealing of pain...Here I am, standing with my big boops, unable to help...

Why? How come?? I thought this wasn't supposed to happen. This was the goal of all these sacrifices...

We started antibiotics...

Don't know...I'm bitter right now and tired...It will probably pass tomorrow and I will come to my senses but right now...

Breastmilk, I'm so disappointed in you!

Breastmilk: 0 Crèche virus: 2

TGIF!

I saw this on Miss DizzyKate's facebook page and loved it. It is SO TRUE!

For one millisecond you get excited about things that used to excite you, like the coming of Friday, a beautiful concert, an exciting party invitation, and then you say oh wait, CANNOT do, I'm a mom...

So TGIF (Thank God it's Friday) becomes IIFA (Is it Friday Already?).

Happy Friday everyone!

Tuesday

My ambitious plan to have 2 meetings and attend a seminar on sevan's first day of the crèche failed miserably...

Sevan couldn't go because he got sick...

3 important lessons learned:
1. He is the boss: Well, I knew that already but he keeps on teaching this to me over and over again...
2. Don't underestimate the power of vitamins before the rentrée of the crèche: Breast milk creates wonders but boost the vitamins nonetheless.
3. Sickness is a chain reaction: first baby gets sick, then mom gets sick and then dad gets sick...Great!

It was the first time he got sick: nothing major, sneezing, coughing runny nose, a little bit of fever but a lot, a lot of crankiness, which was really tiring. We got acquainted to accessories such as nasal aspirator, that basically serves to suck your babie's snot right into your mouth (oh glamour!).

But at the end, I am very proud to report that we were really cool about it. Of course, we called the hospital just to check but we survived with no medications and no emergency doctor visits! I read that this is supposed to happen 5-6 times a year *sigh* but these sicknesses help boost the immune system of the baby.

my sick bébé :(

As on my meetings, my first meeting was an important one, so I didn't cancel that one -yes I'm that heartless mother who left her sick child behind, and let me tell you it felt like victory!

After 4 hours, I came back feeling very achieved, he didn't look traumatized, he played with me a little and fell asleep..It was all good. 

Adaptation

This is the summary of our lives nowadays...We are adapting...to our new lives...to our new schedules...to our new sleeping patterns...to being just us, no family around, no holidays on the corner.

First, our period of adaptation for the daycare has officially begun this week, which means I left Sevan to the crèche for 2 hours for 3 days. It's a bio crèche, it is the best we could have found, I trust all the caregivers there etc.

But I was heartbroken the first day. my brain was constantly thinking of him, what was he doing now? was he crying? did they know what to do if he was crying? I wished there were cameras everywhere so I could track him on a screen.

All dressed up for the school :)

After an hour and a half, I went there running. I found him buried in the breasts of the director who was singing to him. He seemed happy and content. He was smiling and playing with the director's face. I was like, great!

But on the way back, he refused to look at me or talk to me. When I was calling his name, he was literally turning his head on the other side. I kept saying to myself, oh no, he must be tired, it's not personal...But on our way back home, he greeted my friend who was waiting for us with a huge smile. It  was clear, he was doing this to me.

And you can imagine how I felt afterwards. Like I left him to strangers on purpose and he was very aware of it and it upset him. I spent the night thinking of alternative plans, can we afford to hire someone who can keep him in the house? can I keep him myself, while I'm doing job applications, writing papers and proposals? I couldn't find a better solution.

I keep on telling myself that it will be good for us. We haven't been apart for more than 2 hours ever since he was born. It's beautiful...but it's getting very very challenging for me and I'm really not sure how healthy it is for him. 

Our first separation for more than 2 hours will be this week. He'll be at the daycare on Tuesday from 9:00 to 14:00. I scheduled a lot of meetings for that day. I won't be in Brussels.